Simon's Sparkles
by LiteralBlue
Summary: When Simon, the loveable owner of the local girly store, is left homeless, the Akatsuki are forced to take him in. Deidara is a victim here, Itachi makes coffee and Tobi is hunting. First two chapters are OC-only, then it gets Akatsuki-centric. I promise!
1. Discovering genius

A/N Yo! This was a little idea that my sister Astarael's Get and I came up with a little while ago. I think Simon's one of my most loveable characters. I don't own Naruto, I have no money so don't sue me, the idea is mine, Rei and Simon are mine, Tei belongs to my sister Astarael's Get, Rimu and Anno are our joint possessions. Oh, and this is an Akatsuki fic, in the next chapter.

* * *

This was six years ago…

Four Konoha ninja wandering around an isolated village in Rain after a mission. Well, the two female ninja were wandering around the shops; the two male ninja were being dragged after them.

"Where to now?" Asked the tall, blonde-haired kunoichi known as Suzuka Telaki.

"Makeup." Said Miyako Reikisha, the short, purple-haired kunoichi. "I need makeup."

"You always need makeup." Complained Rimu, the badly dyed blonde sensei of the group.

"Have you ever _seen_ her without makeup?" Demanded Tei, who, having grown up with Rei, had seen this fearsome sight.

"No, what's it like?"

"A sight great and terrible to behold…" Muttered the young boy with the hedgehog-like hairstyle.

"Shut up, Anno." Said Tei. She looked thoughtful. "But that just about describes it, yeah."

"Oh, thanks." Said Rei dryly. Her face changed to a brighter expression. "Hey, that place looks nice!"

"Oh, not again…" Muttered Rimu; the collar of his jonin jacket was promptly grabbed, and he was dragged towards a rather tacky-looking store with lots of pink feathers in the window display, and a gaudy-looking sign that read, in flowing calligraphy, "_Simon's Sparkles"_.

Upon entering, his nose was assaulted by a mixture of every perfume held in the store, blended in the air to result in a thoroughly blinding scent that women somehow always seemed to love.

"_Hello!_" The man coming towards them could only be the owner of the store; he had a bright pink ponytail, a tattoo of a star under his left eye, and an expression of ecstatic delight on his face. "I'm Simon, my _dears_, why don't you come and have a look around? _Oh!_" He grabbed Rei's hands. "So stylish! That belt, those bracelets, the _hair_! What spray do you use?"

Rei looked slightly bemused. _Perfect_, thought Rimu. Rei was stylish, yes, but why she occasionally got that reaction from strangers he would never know. As far as he knew, the origin of Rei's spiky purple pony-tail was a combination of a lot of hair spray and hurricane-speed winds, also indeterminate amounts of alcohol and her highly obsessive grandmother.

There was a small squeal nearby. Rimu turned, one hand already on a kunai, but as it happened, Tei was clutching a studded leather wristband, an expression of pure adoration on her face. A little way away, Anno glanced nervously at Rei, and reached for an earring in the shape of a yellow smiley face.

"_No._" Rei said without looking around. Anno yelped as though stung, and withdrew quickly. Ever since Rei had inherited her collection of seemingly identical chokers, smiley yellow faces on a broad black ribbon, at about age 3, she had firmly forbidden anyone else to use her 'trademark'. It took Tei, Anno and Rimu, and occasionally some shinobi passers-by, to restrain her when she saw someone else wearing one. Anno had been forced to suppress his love of smiley jewellery.

"You know what you need, dear?" Simon went on. "I think this would suit you perfectly!" He thrust a belt at her; on it was a pouch decorated with a smiling yellow face. Rei clutched her face in delight.

"But – it's – just like…"

"Give up, Anno. She's decided she likes it." Rimu said quietly, even as Rei took off her own belt and put the other one around her hips; they were almost exactly identical, but the previous belt had been lacking in one important thing: a yellow smiley face. Rei was already stuffing all of her sewing equipment and materials into it.

"Rimu, Rimu, can I, can I, can I?" Tei demanded, tugging on his sleeve and waving the wristband in his face.

"Can I stop you?"

"Hell, no!"

"And who is _this_?" Simon exclaimed, staring at Rimu.

"Rimu-sensei." Rei said, not looking up from her new belt.

"Rimu… Rimu…" Simon tried the name, then dashed over to Rimu and clasped his hands in exactly the same way as he had done to Rei. "I'm Simon, honey… but you can call me _Simone_…"

Rimu swallowed, Tei burst into fits of giggles, Anno coughed and looked away, and Rei muttered quietly, "_Aww_", and went back to the makeup stands, heaping pot upon pot of purple eyeshadow into her arms.

* * *

Almost half an hour later they left the store, carrying bags of products, mostly Rei's makeup supply for the next three months.

"Oh, we are _so_ coming back here!" Rei announced. Tei nodded excitedly.

"And can you believe he gave me that wristband for free? I didn't even have to threaten him!"

"Your hand was on your kunai, Telaki-san." Anno muttered.

"Yes, but he didn't _see_ it! So shut up, Anno."

"We are _not_ coming back here!" Rimu snapped. "Not ever! I'm not even taking missions in Rain!"

"Aww, Rimu-sensei!" Rei whined.

"No!" Rimu growled. "He was coming on to me!"

"Well, what do you expect? He runs sparkle-store, for heaven's sakes! And he has pink hair!"

"Lots of straight people have pink hair!"

"Straight _girls_, Rimu-sensei."

"Shut up, Anno!"

* * *

A/N I'm just typing up chapter 2 now, it'll be up in a moment. Six years later in Rain! 


	2. Genius evicted

A/N Okay, here we are! Man, that must be the fastest update I've ever done. Okay, I promise you Akatsuki in the next chapter! With Leader-loving to bood! Check out my sister Astarael's Get for more hilarious fanfics about the Akatsuki, and Sasuke, and Rei and Tei. Disclaimers are in the first chapter.

* * *

Six years later in Rain...

"Where to next?"

"Makeup. I need makeup."

"Simon's Sparkles."

And this is now. Rei, Tei, Anno and Rimu had betrayed Konoha and joined the Akatsuki in their turn, Tei's obsession with lemurs had grown exponentially, Rei's collection of dolls had become more and more creepy, Rimu… still hated his job, but no one cares about Rimu; and Anno had been told to shut up more times than anyone cared to count.

But some things never change, and one of them was Rei's dire need for makeup. Another was hers and Tei's habit of dragging Rimu and Anno with them whenever they went shopping.

"I hate that place." Rimu grumbled.

"So Simon's got a crush on you, so what?" Said Rei.

"I'd think you'd be flattered." Added Tei. "It's not like anyone else is ever gonna love you."

"Thanks." Rimu growled.

"That was mean, Telaki-san."

"Shut up, Anno." For a while they walked in silence, but then rounded a corner and were faced with a terrible sight…

**CLOSED DUE TO BANKRUPTCY**

The sign in the empty window read. Rei's left eye was twitching. "Closed?" She muttered.

"_Simon!_" Tei gasped. "He'll be homeless!"

"_Rei_!" Anno gasped, equally distressed. "She'll be makeup-less!"

"Shut up, Anno! We have to find Simon!" Tei decided. "We'll worry later about Rei's hideous morning face!" Rei glared.

* * *

And this was four hours later; Anno was essentially sleepwalking, and Rimu grumbled himself and kicked stones as they continued their search. Tei was coming to the end of a long and animated theory. "And so, remembering _x_ to be the maximum speed of a three-legged cat, _y_ to be the average mass of an adult male lemur, and _z_ to be the total area of Konoha, the collective weight of all Leader's piercings would be…" She did a few quick calculations in her head.

"_Simon_!" Rei suddenly gasped.

"No, that's not right…"

The pink-haired man looked up from his spot on the curb; he was a picture of utter misery. He had obviously been drinking; in fact he was sat in front of a bar. His face was red, his eyes puffy.

Rei caught Tei by the collar of her cloak before the blonde could dash into the booze-house. "Simon, we've been looking everywhere! Your shop…"

"Yesh, about that…" he mumbled. Tei dashed for the scent of alcohol, which happened to be strongest on Simon's breath. Rimu tripped her just in time to save Simon serious injury.

"Your shop was awesome, why were you losing money?" Asked Tei, raiding her face from the dirt.

"The Akatsuki were my only customers." Simon explained. "The people took the shop back 'cause I was in debt. Nobody wanted to risk bumping into the Akatsuki in my shop."

"You don't have any friends you can stay with?"

Simon sniffed loudly. "I cater to an s-class criminal organisation, remember? There'sh nobody I could shtay wid… with. I just spent the lasht of my money on beer."

"I do that all the time!" Said Tei. "Then I steal more money!" She looked thoughtful. "And the beer."

"Telaki-san, why do you steal beer when you've just stolen money to but it with?" Anno asked cautiously.

"Because then you have money _and_ beer!" Tei explained, grinning.

"So…" Rei said thoughtfully, "you need a place to stay… and we're your only friends…"

In unison, the two kunoichi turned to their male team mates, making use of the dreaded cute-face-no-jutsu. It was a dirty trick, but they _were_ s-class criminals, and they had done worse. Slowly, Rimu realised what they were after.

"Oh, _no._ No, no, no, no-"

"Yes."

"_Shut up, Anno!_"

"But-"

"No!" Rimu raised a fist. "Absolutely not!"

"Don't listen to him, Simon." Rei said soothingly, hauling him to his feet. "You're coming home with us."

Rimu sighed, defeated. "The last thing he could think of was "Leader's not gonna like this."

"Relax," said Tei, "Leader won't mind."

* * *

A/N Or will he? Well, you'll just have to put this on story alert until I write the next chapter to find out! Heheheeeee! 


	3. The coffee of the gods

A/N I'm still alive, you'll be glad to know!

* * *

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Leader screamed, in all his leader-like glory. Konan looked calmly up at him.

"Rei's brewing coffee, Tei's wrapping her blanky around Simon, I'm comforting Simon, Zetsu's watering the plants and Tobi's… what _are_ you doing, Tobi?"

Tobi looked up at her. He was kneeling on the floor with a magnifying glass in one hand, and a bug-catching net in the other, peering under the oven. "Tobi is hunting for his keys, Konan-senpai." He told her quietly. She sighed. Leader slammed a fist down in front of her; Rei turned with eight coffees on a tray and put them in front of the red-eyed Simon, who was wrapped in Tei's blue fluffy ducky blanky. Konan had one arm wrapped protectively around the pink-haired man, and Tei was offering him chocolate.

"I did not mean that literally!" Leader yelled. "I _meant_ why the _hell_ did you bring a _civilian_ to our _hideout_?"

Konan was the only person in the Akatsuki who was not afraid to meet Leader's eyes sometimes. "Lots of reasons. Simon was homeless. Helpless. Drunk as Tei. He's always been nice to us. We figured we owed him. Besides, it wasn't me who brought him, it was-"

"Rimu." Rei and Tei said quickly together.

"He suggested it."

"It was all his idea."

"Yeah." They looked at each other and nodded decisively.

"Well, if he knows where we live, you'll have to kill him." Leader snapped. Simon sobbed again.

"That's mean!" Zetsu said suddenly. Under Leader's ferocious glare, he melted quickly into the wall.

"We can't kill Simon." Came a voice from the door. Leader whipped around to see none other than… the Uchiha prodigy, Itachi!

"Hello, Itachi." Simon said quietly. "Still wearing those hair bands I sold you?"

"Yes."

"I told you they'd last." A hint of pride crept into his voice, then it cracked. "Unlike my… shop!" And he burst into tears again. The girls crowded around him, cooing sympathetically. Rei offered him a cup of coffee. Tei and Konan hugged him. Itachi picked up one of the coffees and sipped it, then grimaced.

"Reikisha." He said firmly. "Your coffees are very good at sobering up Telaki or getting her so high she can't think. But they are not good comfort-coffees." He went to the stove and set the kettle to boil again.

"WHAT?" Leader shouted. He gritted his teeth and forced himself to speak calmly. "This… _Simon_… is not _having_ coffee, comfort, sobering or drugging! He is _having_ stabbity death! Right now!"

"Leader, please! It won't take long, we just need to find a way to get his shop going again." Tei pleaded.

"We _do_ need Simon's shop." Itachi agreed. His back was to them so they could not see what he was doing, but he had taken a large coffee mug and several bottles and jars or various edibles of artery-clogging goodness. "Kakuzu would agree. Most of Akatsuki buy from there, it's far cheaper than any of the other local shops. We save money."

"What do you mean, _most of the Akatsuki_?" Leader demanded.

"Reikisha and Konan's makeup, mine and Deidara's hair bands, jewellery and personal effects, Kakuzu's masks, Hidan's Kleenex, basically everyone takes something from there."

"We could make an alliance. Take some of his earnings in exchange for helping him." Konan suggested. Leader paused. Their funding _had_ been low of late… and Simon liked the Akatsuki. Leader had been given a few piercings from that place. He might not be such a threat to them… but Leader could not appear to yield so easily! This was like that Easter-egg hunt thing all over again… He must appear firm, harsh, unyielding.

"I'll _think_ about it." He growled, and stormed out of the kitchen, slamming the door. Itachi turned around, holding one of his trademark masterpieces.

It was a very large coffee, and judging by one of the jars he had left, it must be 50 solid sugar. It was topped with an incredible amount of whipped cream, chocolate flakes, rainbow sprinkles, silver balls, tiny honeycomb spheres and copious amounts of marshmallows. There were three crackers sticking into it as well, and over all of it was a layer of powdered chocolate.

"Here, Simon, this will cheer you up… or kill you. Either way, you'll feel better." Itachi promised, setting it down in front of Simon. "Now, remember to drink it _very _slowly. _Slowly_."

Simon picked up the mug – he needed both hands to lift it – and took a sip. His eyes widened, his pupils dilated. He coughed.

"So…" He muttered.

"Simon?" Tei asked hesitantly.

"So…"

"Are you okay?" Konan leaned in.

"So… much… _sugar_…" And Simon keeled over, knocking Rei back, and hit the floor. He twitched once, curled up into a little ball and put his thumb in his mouth.

"Didya kill him?" Tei asked.

Itachi shook his head. "No, but he might need a few days to sleep it off." Tei experimentally produced a spoon, and scooped up some coffee and topping. She sipped it, turned pale and began trembling. She flung the spoon down and ran to the fridge, tore it open, took out a bottle of beer, opened it with her teeth, gulped the entire thing, and grabbed another.

Twelve beers later, the colour had returned to her face and the shaking had stopped. "Oh… my… _God_!" She gasped. "That was, like… wow. _Wow_. That coffee was pure, 100 _WOW_. Dude, like… for a minute there it felt like I was _sobering_. Or, like, _dying_. Wow. Wow…"

"Thank you." Itachi nodded.

There was a frantic jingling sound, a flash of light, and Tobi was skidding across the floor, net flailing. He crashed into the sink, cursing in his Tobi-like way.

"Oh, _fudge_!"

"What?"

"Tobi almost caught his keys… they're fast. But Tobi will devise a cunning trap! The hunt for Tobi's keys continues!"

"So… Simon." Rei nudged him with her toe. "Where does he sleep?"

"The general practice with unconscious people is to leave them where they fell." Itachi pointed out.

"Yeah, well Simon's not a shinobi, he's a shopkeeper. He wouldn't be safe in our kitchen. You know what breakfast is like around here. We're lucky if we get to the bacon before the first kunai is thrown." Rei sighed, rolling her eyes.

"True. And if we put him in a guy's room someone might get molested." Konan sighed.

"How about Rimu's room?" Tei suggested.

"Rimu's a guy… oh, wait, I see your point." Itachi sighed.

Rei shrugged. "He finds my dolls creepy."

"That weird big thing beneath my junk might eat him." Tei said apologetically.

"Mine, then." Konan smiled. "I'll build a new fort, just for him! Someone help me find some linens and a few boxes."

"Sure." The other girls said. "Tobi, you coming?" Rei offered.

"No, Rei-senpai." Tobi said reluctantly. "Tobi must design a trap to catch his keys."

"… Fine." Rei sighed. She picked up Simon by the ankles, and Tei caught his arms, and they set off to build a fort… the wonderful fort of Oz.

* * *

A/N might possibly be very soon heavily edited. I only just knocked this together after a looooooooooong break from Simon's Sparkles.


	4. The Akatsuki breakfast habits

A/N Yes, I'm on a roll. It's my fourth update in, what, two days? Golly golly gosh. Hang around and there may be MORE!

* * *

The Akatsuki were used to screams. Often they were the cause of them, through battle or torture. Sometimes they were the source of them, like injuries or stepping on a drawing pin. And screams were almost everywhere: cities, villages, deserts, forests, anywhere the s-class criminals might happen to be.

Except for the Akatsuki Hideout.

Which was why, when a scream tore through the Akatsuki hideout at four in the morning, the thirteen shinobi there who did not know the source of it simply ignored it and went back to sleep.

And when Sasori awoke five minutes later to find the fourteenth shinobi, Deidara, who _had_ known the source of it, laying beside him clutching Sasori and chewing his blanky, sweating as if in a nightmare, he went back to sleep, and promptly forgot.

* * *

When Sasori awoke the next morning and found Deidara still in the same position, he blushed and crawled out of bed, careful to avoid waking the blonde nin, who was still trembling in his sleep. Unfortunately, his efforts were as fruitless as the fruit bowl when the girls forgot to buy groceries, and Deidara awoke with a start. He stared at Sasori, wide-eyed with fear, glanced wildly about the room and flung himself at his danna, clutching Sasori's arm and whimpering.

Sasori stared at the young bomber and asked him to let go. When Deidara shook his head mutely Sasori _ordered_ him to let go. Deidara whimpered "He'll get me if I do…", tightening his muscles to make himself look smaller. Sasori got hold of a crowbar and attempted to pry Deidara off, but this only made him cling on tighter. Sasori realised with dread that there was no way his partner was letting go. And therefore, there was no way for Sasori to shower or get changed in privacy.

This was starting to seem disturbingly gay.

Not that Sasori hadn't been at war with Hidan over Deidara's heart for years, but the action for Deidara himself was incredibly out of character.

And there was _no way_ Sasori was undressing, let alone showering, with this little creature hanging off his arm.

And so, he had but one option.

* * *

No glare was more pronounced than Hidan's when Sasori arrived at the breakfast table that morning, still in his loose black pyjamas and slippers with his hair mussed and Deidara, also in pyjamas, clinging to him.

In fact, Hidan was the only one glaring.

Rei, who was frying bacon, smiled at them and went back to her pans. Tei, who was leaning on the fridge starting her fifth beer of the day, didn't seem to notice. Tobi was playing with a Rubik's cube – somehow, there were fifteen red squares, which should not have been possible – and was too absorbed to pay much attention. Konan raised an eyebrow and went back to shovelling laundry into the machine. Other than that, the Akatsuki were indifferent, even Simon…

_Simon?_

"_Simon?_" Sasori asked incredulously. The pink-haired man gave him a weak little smile.

"Oh, hello, Sasori. You still have the slippers I sold you…" He seemed to take heart from this, and his smile strengthened.

"How do you want your eggs?" Rei asked.

"Hard-boiled." Simon said.

"Scrambled and spicy." Sasori said.

"Mmph." Deidara whispered. He was staring in horror at Simon.

"Simon was evicted. He's staying with us until we find him a new place."

"Leader and Kakuzu are _letting_ him?" Sasori was shocked.

"Leader said he'd think about it and Kakuzu calmed down when Sasori promised him a portion of his earnings when he gets a shop again." Rei smiled, beating the eggs with a fierce vengeance. "Your pretty blonde sloth seems to be hyperventilating."

Sasori looked down at Deidara, who was indeed aquiver and gasping for breath as he continued to stare at Simon.

"Hello there, pretty." Simon whispered. Deidara shrieked, fell to his knees and wrapped one arm around Sasori's leg, pointing the other shaking index finger at Simon.

"_He molested me!_" He screamed.

Hidan dropped his fork and turned to Simon. "You fucking _what_?"

"I wondered where he went last night." Konan said mildly.

Hidan was advancing on the pink-haired young man, who shrank away. Simon's life may have ended right there, but for Tei's quick intervention. She put a hand on the pouch where she kept her tarot cards.

"No killing our guests. That is _bad_. _BAD_ Hidan!" She growled. Hidan glared at her, and continued to reach for Simon.

"Hidan, return to your seat before I de-spleen you with this cooking utensil." Tei was holding a spatula. Hidan, leaning across the table with one hand almost on Simon's neck, flipped the birdie. She shrugged, grabbed him by the collar and dragged him outside.

Sasori was still glaring. "I don't have a spleen, you can't threaten me." He growled to Rei. She shrugged.

"I wouldn't de-spleen you, you'd wreck my de-spleening equipment with your solid wood body. I was going to throw you in the pond with the Hawktopus. Remember what happened last time you got soaked?"

Sasori remembered. He had been unceremoniously thrown into the hot springs by the same bomber clinging to him now. His wooden joints had swollen up so much he had been unable to move, and had to lay in the sun on a towel for hours with the constant threat of Konan's hairdryer. And the Hawktopus, the strange hawk-octopus hybrid living in their pond, ate anything wooden – its diet consisted mainly of chairs, toast and people.

In short, it was a very good threat. He glanced out of the window to see Tei laying newspaper down on the lawn and over the fence. Hidan lay bound and gagged nearby.

"Anyway," Rei said cheerfully, "Simon's staying and that's that. Though, Simon, honey, I'd love for you to not molest people."

Simon nodded. He sat at Rimu's place at the table. Rimu sat on the floor, looking sullen. Outside, Tei commenced the de-spleening: she raised the spatula once, brought it down, and blood splashed onto the window. Rei drew the curtains and set down breakfast for the Akatsuki just as Leader came into the room and seated himself on his enormous gothic throne, all silver skulls and chains and bat-like wings, that looked slightly out of place at the plain wooden table in the well-worn kitchen.

"I have decided." He announced. There was a silence.

"You've decided what, Pein?" Konan prompted him eventually.

"I have _decided_," Leader repeated, glaring at his partner, "that Simon is to stay with us until he can be re-homed. Upon his re-homing he will re-open his shop and give us a percentage of his earnings from thereon after."

The silence was punctuated by Hidan's screams from outside. The light coming through the window was becoming increasingly red-tinted.

"But he…" Deidara began in a tiny whisper, but was hushed and ushered to his seat by Sasori.

"Sasori, why are you wearing pyjamas? And you, Deidara?" Leader asked after a brief pause.

"Deidara clung to me and he wouldn't let go so I couldn't get changed, Leader-sama." Sasori said. "Apparently Simon molested him."

Simon winked at Deidara, who cowered.

"Konan, you try to be sure this does not happen again." Leader instructed. She nodded.

"I'll _try_," She said, "But Simon's lusty as Anno's alternate personality."

"My what?"

"Shut up, Anno."

At this point, Tei walked in, drenched in blood and holding a spatula in one hand and what looked suspiciously like half a spleen in the other. She tossed the spleen-half in the blender and looked down at herself. "I need another shower." She groaned, and left.

"Walk on the newspapers!" Rei called after her.

And thus was breakfast at the Akatsuki Cave; minus the presence of the pink-haired man, it was relatively normal, and from thereon passed in peace.

Right up until a brick came flying through the window and hit Itachi's head. Orochimaru cackled as he ran down the street. Nobody even looked up.

"Eight thirty-four every morning." Kisame told Simon. "Sharp. I wonder why Itachi doesn't just stay in bed…"

* * *

A/N Oh, and the "disturbingly gay" comment was from Sasori's own POV.

Reviews would be equal to love?


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